T.C. and I have had several conversations about his ex recently. I have suggested on more than one occasion that he should talk to her. I mean really talk to her. I believe that she still loves him and misses him.
He has steadfastly refused. He insists that he would never want to "go back to that life". When he calls to talk to the kids (who are sounding all grown up and super cute), she makes attempts to engage him in conversation (like, asking him if he has kept up on Game of Thrones or whatever). I pointed this out and told him that I thought this meant that she probably wanted to actually talk to him. He just sort of shrugged it off saying that if it didn't have to do with the kids, he didn't see any reason to speak with her.
Yesterday, he had to contact her regarding the child support. He received papers at work and wanted to call and talk to the case worker. She flipped out (according to him.. I was not there). He said that she was worried that he was going to find a way to stop paying child support. (Why would he even want to do that? They are his kids, too, and it is only right that he pays to help support them). He said with her it is always about the money.
Later in the day we were talking and he said, "I have to tell you something. I called the kids and [Ex] and I talked for a little while." He said that they were talking about the kids when she suddenly changed the conversation over to "I hope it was worth it" and "You walked away from your family" and "How can you be with a home-wrecking bitch that talks shit about your kids?". She (according to T.C.) went into the whole "why did you choose her over me?" stuff.
Honestly, it kind of makes me sad. It has been two years. It is too late now, but what he did to her (stringing her along after he had already left) was awful and he should have found a way to give her closure long ago.
We have finally gotten to the point where we can talk openly about what happened and he says (I am paraphrasing his words here) "For a VERY long time, I was miserable and thought that she was the best I could ever do. I tried SO HARD to be what she wanted me to be, but I was never good enough. She cheated and lied and insulted me and made me feel like shit. She withheld sex and told me I was unattractive. I had NO self esteem at all. Then I met you, and you were everything she wasn't. You were amazing. That was when she suddenly decided that she wanted me. She would do anything to keep me. Suddenly, she wanted to be everything I wanted her to be for so many years. I think it was because she felt like she owned me and that I always be there no matter how bad she treated me. It shocked her that I would actually leave.
But, at the same time I had you. You were perfect and I couldn't let go of you, but I also couldn't walk away from this thing that I had worked so long and so hard for. It was fucked up and wrong, but for a little while I felt like I was on top of the world. I had a perfect woman at home and then there was her. Suddenly giving a shit. Suddenly wanting to make me feel attractive. It was a lot like having an abusive parent. If your mom or dad beat you and belittled you, you would do everything you could to win their approval. She was abusive and I finally had her approval. I was helpless to stop. As awful as it sounds, I craved it (her approval and desire). I was suddenly something after many, many years of being NOTHING."
When we were in therapy, he talked to the therapist about this. She agreed that it would have been VERY difficult for him to walk away from that for those very reasons. It doesn't excuse what he did to both of us, but it makes sense.
I have suggested that now that they have had time apart, that maybe things would be different. I know how much he misses the kids. I know that she still holds some small amount of power over him and that they have a long history that created quite a bond. I think that if he went back to her, they might actually have a shot. He says that as much as he misses his babies, that it wouldn't be fair to him, me or her. That even if they could make it work, he believes that it would go back to the same thing it always was. He also says that he loves me very, very deeply and it wouldn't be fair to her to return simply for the sake of the children.
Okay. On a different note, my boss is in love with me. T.C. is aware of it. He isn't the first guy that has fallen in love with me since T.C. and I have been together. I am just not sure how it happened. Well, that's not entirely true. We were friends and formed a bond based on the fact that his wife cheated on him and I was there to talk to because I understood. I believe his feelings aren't actually love, but that I represent something else to him. A woman that won't cheat. I am what his wife (of almost 20 years) was not. I have suggested this to him, but he swears that his feelings are real. T.C.'s feelings on this are mixed. On one hand, he says that he can't fault the guy for falling for me. He says that I am pretty much the ultimate wife (cooking, baking, cleaning, sewing, etc) and that I am "sexy as hell" (yeah, whatever). On the other hand, he worries that at some point, one of these guys will take me away. He says that he knows what he has done to me and that he could totally understand if I left.. and that a man who wouldn't hurt me has got to be tempting. (It's not).
Despite all of this, or maybe BECAUSE of all of this, we are doing better than ever. We are talking more openly than ever before. We are connecting. Our sex life is OUTSTANDING. It seems that we are always touching, cuddling, kissing or making love. When we can pry ourselves apart for a minute, we DO stuff together. He helps me with sewing projects. We watch videos on hot rods or sword making... together. We just lie in bed and talk about everything for hours at a time. For the first time, it feels like we have no secrets between us.. it is just all about US.
I have read that there are couples that actually get past infidelity and that IF that happens, their marriage is stronger than ever. I didn't believe that until now. I didn't think we would EVER get past it.
This doesn't mean that I can slack off and stop trying to be the perfect wife. Now, though, it isn't because of the pressure of "if I am not perfect, if I don't work out and dress up and put on make up and do my hair and clean the house and cook great meals and give him head all the time, then he will leave me". Now, it is simply because I love him and I love being his wife. I love doing things for him. He loves that I love doing things for him.
Do we still have problems? Sure we do. He still eats foods that are completely terrible for him. He still drinks too many damn Rockstars. He smokes too much. I still have mood swings. I still nag about his eating habits. I get mad when he leaves the gas tank empty. But, these are NORMAL problems. I love it. I love him. I love my life.
Oh, and did I mention that I got promoted at work? (this has nothing to do with the boss I mentioned above. He is not the manager, just a supervisor that has nothing to do with my career path). I got a two dollar an hour raise. Then I got my yearly review and got ANOTHER thirty cent an hour raise. Now I am getting promoted again and this will take me up by FIVE DOLLARS an hour and take me up to full time.
We are going to be fine. It looks like I got my happily ever after after all.
